Чтение онлайн

A boy was walking down the street with his Dad and noticed a dog mounting another dog. The boy asked his Dad, "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing?"

"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore, so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home."

The son thinks it over, and then comes to the conclusion,

"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… you help someone out, and you end up getting fucked."

Can you give me a ride?

In front of a delicatessen (перед кулинарией), an art connoisseur (знаток искусства [kOn@'s@:]) noticed a mangy little kitten (заметил паршивого маленького котенка; mangy ['meIndZi]) lapping up milk from a saucer (лижущего молоко из блюдца). The saucer, he realized with a start (он понял «с толчком» = вздрогнув, у него даже дыхание захватило), was a rare (редкое) and precious piece of pottery (дорогое, ценное изделие из керамики; pottery — гончарные изделия; pot — горшок). He strolled into the store (он вошел в магазин; to stroll — прогуливаться, бродить) and offered (предложил) two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale (он не продается: «не для продажи»)," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable (грязный и непривлекательный; to desire - /сильно/ желать), but I'm eccentric (но я чудак: «эксцентричен»). I like cats that way (вот таких). I'll raise (подниму) my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal (договорились; deal — сделка, соглашение)," said the proprietor (владелец), and pocketed the money (и положил деньги в карман; pocket — карман).

"For that sum (сумма) I'm sure you won't mind (не будете против; to mind — помнить; возражать, быть против /в отрицательных и вопросительных предложениях/) throwing in the saucer (прибавить: «вбросить» и блюдце)," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it (похоже, котенок так счастлив = ему так нравится пить из него)."

"Nothing doing (не пойдет)," said the proprietor firmly (твердо). "That's my lucky (счастливое) saucer. From that saucer, so far this week (только на этой неделе; so far - до сих пор, до настоящего времени) I've sold (я продал /to sell-sold-sold/) 34 cats."

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

It's a deal.

Nothing doing.

My wife invited some people to dinner (моя жена пригласила несколько человек к ужину). At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said (за столом она повернулась к нашей шестилетней дочери и сказала), "Would you like to say the blessing? (хочешь произнести молитву: «благословение»; to bless — благословлять)"

"I wouldn't know what to say (я не знаю, что говорить)," she replied (ответила).

"Just say what you hear Mommy say (просто говори, то, что ты слышишь, что твоя мама говорит)," my wife said (сказала моя жена).

Our daughter bowed her head (склонила голову) and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? (Боже ты мой: «дорогой Господь», во имя всего святого: «почему на земле», зачем я пригласила всех этих людей на ужин)"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

I wouldn't know what to say.

Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?

This guy is in a bar (парень в баре), just looking at his drink (смотрит на стакан с выпивкой), he stays like that for half an hour (он в этом состоянии около получаса), or so (или вроде того), then (затем), this big (большой) burly (здоровенный, сильный: «дородный, плотный»; burl — узел на нитке в ткани; наплыв на дереве) trouble-maker (хулиган: «делатель беспорядков»; trouble — беспокойство, волнение; беспорядки) a truck driver (водитель грузовика) comes and sits next to him (приходит и садится рядом с ним), and drinks what the guy was staring at (и выпивает то, на что этот парень /так/ пристально смотрел). The poor man starts crying (несчастный: «бедный» парень начинает плакать).

The truck driver says, "Come on, man (да ладно тебе, да брось ты, парень), I was just joking (я просто шутил). Here (смотри: «вот»), I'll buy you another drink (я куплю тебе другой стаканчик). I just can't see a grown man crying (я просто не могу видеть взрослого мужчину плачущим /to grow-grew-grown — расти/)."

"No, that's not it (нет, дело не в этом), says the guy, "This day has been the worst day of my life (этот день был худшим в моей жизни). First (во-первых), I oversleep 'cause my alarm doesn't go off (я проспал: «просыпаю», потому что мой будильник не срабатывает), and I get to work late (и я опаздываю на работу; late — поздно). My boss is outraged (мой начальник возмущен; rage — ярость, гнев) and he fires me (увольняет меня). When I leave the building (когда я выхожу из здания; to leave — покидать, оставлять), to get to my car (чтобы сесть в машину), I find it was stolen (я обнаруживаю, что она /была/ угнана /to steal-stole-stolen — красть/), and the police say they can do nothing about it (и полиция говорит, что она ничего не может сделать /с этим, по этому поводу/). I get a cab to go home (я беру такси), and remember I left my wallet and credit cards at the house (и вспоминаю, что забыл свой бумажник и кредитки дома). The cab driver takes off without me (водитель такси уезжает без меня). I walk the six miles to home (я иду шесть миль до дома), and when I get there (и когда добираюсь туда), I find my wife in bed with the mailman (я нахожу свою жену в постели с почтальоном). I grab my wallet and come to this bar (хватаю свой бумажник и иду в этот бар), and when I was thinking about putting an end to my life (и когда я думал о том, чтобы положить конец своей жизни), you show up and drink my poison (ты появляешься и выпиваешь мой яд).

This guy is in a bar, just looking at his drink, he stays like that for half an hour, or so, then, this big burly trouble-maker a truck driver comes and sits next to him, and drinks what the guy was staring at. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a grown man crying."

"No, that's not it, says the guy, "This day has been the worst day of my life. First, I oversleep ‘cause my alarm doesn't go off, and I get to work late. My boss is outraged and he fires me. When I leave the building, to get to my car, I find it was stolen, and the police say they can do nothing about it. I get a cab to go home, and remember I left my wallet and credit cards at the house. The cab driver takes off without me. I walk the six miles to home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the mailman. I grab my wallet and come to this bar, and when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.