Чтение онлайн

Графство Уэстморшир. Англия. Молодой фермер Уилки тянет на веревке бычка. Бычок сопротивляется, брыкается, упирается, никак не слушается. Местный пожилой помещик, очень важный и надменный, проходя мимо, восклицает: — Ты что же, Уилки, мне не кланяешься, шапки не снимаешь? Я пока еще хозяин здесь как будто, не так ли? — Конечно, Ваша честь! Сэр, будьте любезны, подержите минутку моего бычка, и я отвешу вам поклон, как полагается, поверьте мне, сэр!

Не так-то легко вести бычка на веревочке! Нельзя не оценить остроумие и находчивость Уилки.

«Perpetuum-beanele»

"What's the matter with you, darling? — Lily asked her husband.
– Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden you don't like beans".

«Перпетуум-бобиле»

«Что с тобой случилось, дорогой мой? — спрашивает Лили мужа. — В понедельник ты ел бобы с удовольствием, во вторник и в среду — тоже, а вдруг в четверг ты бобов не хочешь».

Молодым хозяйкам следует помнить французскую поговорку о том, что путь к сердцу мужа лежит через кухню.

It came to him gradually

Boston. A chauffeur crushed his truck against a stone wall and the truck was broken to smithereens. He calls up his boss and says: "Guess, boss, what happened to me and to the truck?… No… no… guess again…"

Постепенно до него дошло

Бостон. Шофер врезался грузовиком в каменную стену и разбил его вдребезги. Он звонит хозяину по телефону и говорит: «Угадайте, хозяин, что случилось со мной и с грузовиком… Нет… нет… нет… угадывайте дальше…»

Как вы думаете, догадался ли о происшедшем хозяин? Мы думаем, что ему представилась такая картина, какую мы здесь видим.

James, control yourself!

A howling baby sat in his pram while his father pushed him along. "Now, James, control yourself, — the father said in quiet tones.
– Keep calm".A woman who had been watching said: "I congratulate you, young man. You know just how to speak to babies, calmly and gently. So much better than shouting at them". Then, leaning over, she said to the baby: "So, you are James?" "No, — corrected the father.
– His name is Peter. I'm James".

Джемс, держи себя в руках!

Малыш ревел вовсю, сидя в коляске, которую толкал перед собой его отец. «Джемс, держи себя в руках, — спокойно повторял отец. — Не выходи из себя». Какая-то женщина, наблюдавшая за ними, сказала: «Поздравляю вас, молодой человек. Вы знаете, как говорить с младенцами, спокойно и ласково. Гораздо лучше, чем кричать на них». Затем она склонилась над коляской. «Значит ты Джемс?» «Нет, — поправил ее отец малыша. — Он Питер. Это я Джемс».

Кто же, по-вашему, терпеливее, малыш Питер или папаша Джемс?

Переводы комментариев и вопросов к английскому юмору

I wonder if the game-warden knew he was speaking to Mark Twain.

Did the game-keeper appreciate M. Twain's wit?

Of course the lion was right but where did one see a lion-sculptor?

When and where did Mozart live?

Do you know that at the age of three he already played the piano well, and at six he gave concerts. During his short life- he died at the age of 35 — he created some beautiful operas, many different piano pieces and about 50 symphonies.

Here you see how bad it is to travel in a country not knowing its language.

A waiter in a small Spanish restaurant did not know English. It turned out that he was a passionate lover of bull-fight.

The Americans were lucky — finally they received their milk and sandwiches and were at an exciting bull-fight.

Do you think Michael went on to be on friendly terms with his uncle?

Did the lady understand what blunder she had made?

Let us hope that the assistant did not mean to offend the young man.

Do you think the women stopped gossiping after the young man's remark?

The women ought to apologize to the young man if they understood their blunder!

His widow evidently believed in after-life.

We wonder what would the husband have written on her grave.

Where did the incident take- place?

What kind of a day was it?

What were the children on the beach doing?

What did the sailor do?

What were the mother's words of gratitude?

Постепенно до него дошло

There is an old saying that babies usually are blabbing out the truth.

The guest did not suspect that such a good dinner was served here

for the first time.

Evidently little Peggy was punished for unnecessary sincerity.

Why did the jeweller vgive George his piece of advice?

Will this young man take the jeweller's warning, and why?

How did grandfather take Tommy's question?

One cannot but appreciate Wilkie's wit and cleverness.

It's not so easy to pull a big calf on a string.

You can see at once that the doctor is an inveterate smoker.

It didn't occur to him to ask whether his patient smoked.

Evidently this trip to the seaside was rather unfortunate.

After having got a second set of teeth, he probably preferred to pass his vacation in the mountains.

You can't imagine the study of Jolyon Forsyte without such a clock, can you?

Isn't it better to invite a watch-maker home in case this clock needs to be repaired?

They say that this happened in Texas.

A rider with a packet stopped at the post office.

Did the conrgessman agree to hold the rider's horse?

I wonder what kind of a society was gathered there — millionaires, businessmen or simply gangsters?

How did the guests react to the ambiguous address of the host?

Weren't the ladies offended?

What a pity the runner didn't write his name on the paper! The lieutenant's answer was witty and bold, wasn't it? Do you-know that the well-known writer Jack London began his career as a newspaper-boy?