Чтение онлайн

“Yes, I did.” He stroked her face with the back of his hand. “Which you would have known had you asked. But I knew you wouldn’t ask. And so tell me again how safe Wesley is with you.”

“You bastard.” She tried to turn her face away from his hand but she had nowhere to go. “God, you’ll do anything to make a point, won’t you?”

“Yes, but it wasn’t for that reason alone. I had to give him some incentive to stay alive.”

“And I was the incentive?”

Soren brushed her hair with the back of his hand. “You have kept me alive all these years.”

Nora shook her head, moved away from his hand.

“I will do whatever I can to protect you even if I’m only protecting you from yourself. You are a creature of appetite. You take what you desire without thought or remorse. And that is how God created you and it is much of why I love you. But do not stand there and claim to be otherwise. Not with me. I know you. You must make a choice, little one—bring Wesley into this world with you or let him go.”

“I won’t do either. And he stays with me for as long as he wants to.”

Soren stared her down with a look of pure skepticism.

“Fine,” she said. “I admit it. I can’t be trusted with him. But it doesn’t matter because he can be trusted with me.”

“Wesley…you don’t even know him. The things he has kept from you—”

“Wes is perfect the way he is. I don’t care if he has secrets. He’ll tell me when he’s ready. I won’t ask him to change.”

Soren turned away from her.

“Of course you won’t. God forbid you allow anyone to make any kind of sacrifice for you. Because if Wesley changed for you, then you would be indebted to him. And you won’t allow that. You are so in love with your own profligate freedom that you refuse to even be grateful to another person lest you be weighed down by the smallest shred of guilt or obligation.” Soren faced her again. “Your obsession with your own liberty is why Wesley is still a virgin and I am still a priest.”

Nora raised her hands to her face. “Don’t bring that up. Please.”

“I offered to leave the priesthood for you and instead you left me.”

“You never wanted to leave,” Nora said, facing him angrily. “You just wanted to keep me any way you could. I couldn’t let you give up your life for me.”

Nora tried to pull away as Soren reached out for her hands. But his grip proved too strong. He moved her hands away from her face and looked at her.

“You are now and always my life.” His voice was so soft and true that she couldn’t even look back at him.

“You love being a priest. The priesthood is a sacrament. You can’t quit it. It’s who you are.”

“Yes, I love it. Yes, it’s who I am. And yes, I was willing to give it up so we could be together. But you couldn’t allow that.”

“I still won’t. And I won’t turn Wes into something he doesn’t want to be, either. You say it’s because I refuse to be indebted to anyone. I say it’s because I won’t let you two fuck up your lives for me.”

“And we have no say in this?”

Nora finally found the courage to meet his eyes. Even after five years, no, eighteen years, she still couldn’t look at his face without falling in love with him even more. Time sharpened the edge of her love for him. It cut into her more and more with each passing year.

“No,” she said. “You don’t. And neither does Wes. Whatever he wants to do or be, that’s his decision. I don’t own him. And you don’t own me.”

Soren rose to his full height. What charity had been in his eyes was now gone. He put his hand on the elevator key but did not turn it.

“I have seen both hell and purgatory. I assure you, purgatory is the more fearsome punishment.”

“I can be me and be with Wes, too. I don’t have to choose.”

“You will eventually. You will have to choose between this life or the one Wesley promises. You think because you’re a Switch in the bedroom, you can be a Switch in all aspects of your life. You will have to decide one day if you’re a professional writer, or just a professional who writes. And whatever you decide, you must tell Zachary who you really are. If you care about him at all, he must know.”

Nora growled. Soren was merciless tonight.

“I’m surprised you didn’t tell him. I know you were trying to scare him off.”

“Only testing his courage to see if he was worthy of you. He impressed me, but still he’s quite in love with his wife. I’ll allow him to hurt you, Eleanor, but if he dares harm you, I will not be happy with him.”

Nora repressed a shiver of fear. She’d seen Soren not happy with someone who’d hurt her before.

“I appreciate the chivalry. I think I can handle Zach on my own.”

Soren cupped the side of her face and forced her to meet his eyes.

“Marriage is a sacrament, too, Eleanor. If Zachary offers to finally leave his wife for you, will you run from him as you ran from me?”

“I told you—I didn’t run from you.”

“You can’t have him and Wesley. Neither of them will allow that.”

“I don’t have Wesley. The kid’s been with me for over a year and he’s still a virgin. Obviously I don’t have him.”

“You have him as much as I had you even when you were still a virgin. You believe he remains celibate because of his faith?”

“Of course he does.”

“Wesley is celibate now for the same reason I was celibate eighteen years ago.”

Nora scoffed. “What? Because he’s a priest?”

“No,” Soren said, leaning in to meet her eye to eye. “Because he’s waiting for you to grow up.”

Nora’s spine stiffened in fury. She took a deep breath and met Soren’s eyes. “You don’t own me anymore, Soren.” She said the words slowly, carefully, enunciating one syllable at a time. “Now,” she said, shoving her anger down, “is there anything else, sir?”

“No. There is nothing else. You’ve made up your mind about him. You won’t let him go. And you won’t turn him into one of us. And so you will let him turn you into the one thing you most fear becoming.”

“What? Happy?”

“Boring.”

Nora gasped and raised her hand to slap Soren’s perfect face. But she’d forgotten how fast he could strike. He grabbed her by the wrist before she could touch him. He pressed her flat back against the elevator. Pinning her right hand above her head while his free hand slipped through the slit in her skirt. Hard and fast he shoved two fingers deep inside her.

“Stop,” she ordered but he only pushed deeper. She panted and cursed him, hating him for how well he knew her body. His probing fingers found her most secret places and dragged her to the edge.

“You were a child when I fell in love with you,” Soren said into her ear. His warm breath on her neck sent shivers through her whole body. “You’re still a child.”

“I don’t want this,” she said, even as her body betrayed her. Her inner muscles clenched tight around his fingers, her body grew wetter and wetter with each deft movement of his hand.