Чтение онлайн

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

You be first!

How about you?

Answer the door, please!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale — продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

"I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble — пузырь; to bubble — пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). "It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), "But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"

The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"

I adore this dress!

I'll take it!

A guy from Georgia (парень из Джорджии) enrolled at Harvard (поступил в Гарвардский университет: to enroll — вносить в список, зачислять, записывать/ся/ [n'rul]; roll — свиток, сверток; реестр, каталог) and on his first day (и в свой первый день) he was walking across the campus (он прогуливался по территории университета) and asked an upperclassman (и спросил старшекурсника), drawling heavily (сильно растягивая слова), "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? (вы не могли бы мне сказать, где расположена библиотека /с предлогом at эта фраза звучит несколько просторечно/)"

The upperclassman responded (ответил), "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions (в Гарварде мы не заканчиваем предложения предлогами)."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then (ну тогда), could you tell me (не мог бы ты мне сказать) where the library is at, asshole? (придурок: asshole — задний проход: ass — задница + hole — дырка)"

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The youngest son (младший сын) of a great Indian chief (великого индейского вождя) went to his father and asked (пришел к отцу и спросил), "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? (как ты выбрал имена для своих троих детей)"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born (когда твой старший брат родился), the first sight I saw (первое, что я увидел: «первый вид, зрелище» /to see-saw-seen/) after the moment of his birth (после момента его рождения) was a bear running through the woods (был медведь, бегущий по лесу); so I named him running-bear (и так я назвал его Бегущий Медведь). The morning your sister was born (в то утро, когда твоя сестра была рождена), the first sight I saw was a beautiful star (прекрасная звезда), so I named her morning-star (Утренняя Звезда). But why do you ask me such a question (но почему ты задаешь мне такой вопрос), two-dogs-fucking? (Две-Трахающиеся-Собаки)"

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?"

But why do you ask me such a question?

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"

"That's his tail, son (это его хвост, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing! (это другая штука)"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son (о, это его хобот, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! (между его ногами)"

"Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing — о, это ничего)," replies the mother.

Undaunted (не смутившись; to daunt — укрощать, устрашать; undaunted — неустрашимый), the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"

A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"