Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
Шрифт:
“How did you clean it?”
“With a vacuum cleaner.”
“You hammer nails like lightning.”
“Do you mean that I’m fast?”
“No, you never strike twice in the same place.”
ASSISTANT: This machine will do half your work.
CUSTOMER: All right, I’ll take two!
“You must always eat a good breakfast, so you’ll grow up quicker.”
“Not for me. If I grow up faster, I’ll get older sooner, and then I’ll have to die young.”
“I spent ten hours over my history book last night.”
“Ten hours?!”
“Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.”
“I’m not going to school any more.”
“Why?”
“On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind. [78] ”
78
until teacher makes up her mind – пока учительница не разберётся окончательно
“Willie, how do you define ignorance?”
“It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.”
“If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what shall I have?”
“Potato salad.”
“And has your baby learned to talk?”
“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.”
A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”
“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”
“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”
“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”
“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”
“The first cow, of course.”
“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”
Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.
“I can write! I can write!”
“What did you write?”
“How can I know? I can’t read.”
A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.
“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.
Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.
“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.
“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”
“Why not?”
“I never put them up [79] in class.”
79
I never put them up – я никогда не поднимаю их
“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”
MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?
SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.
“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring? [80] ”
“Leave it in the cow.”
80
keep milk from souring – не дать молоку скиснуть
LADY (seeing tug-of-war [81] for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?
When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.
“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.
“Three months,” answered the mother.
81
tug-of-war – перетягивание каната
“My, but you’ve kept her nice! [82] ” exclaimed the little girl.
“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”
“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”
“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”
82
you’ve kept her nice – вы с ней хорошо обращались
Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?
Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.
Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?
Master: at 3 p. M.
Man: and the next eastbound train?
Master: at 4 p. M.
Man: and the next northbound train?
Master: arrives at 6 p. M.
Man: and the southbound train?
Master: oh, it left two hours ago.
Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.
“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”
“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”
A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:
“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”
A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought: