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Pat makes a U-turn [109] right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back [110] to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up [111] to St. Peter.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marchin’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

St. Peter, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!”

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, “Pat, shush! [112] He’s the boss’s son!”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other [113] in their determined efforts to get away from evil.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yes, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “No. Sure am not.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A man stumbles up [114] to the only other man in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course? [115] ” comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say, [116] I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland. [117] ”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’92.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’92, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for [118] the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies, “Four.”

The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in [119] the accountant and asks the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says, “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager. [120] The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. [121] This seems an excessive refinement, [122] and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up [123] to the nearest semiquaver. [124] If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, [125] one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

A famous European writer was talking to an American girl. The American, speaking in the writer’s native language, asked him why he had never visited the United States.

“I know only a few sentences in English,” answered the writer.

“What are the sentences?” asked the girl.

“How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Forget me. Ham and eggs, please,” answered the writer.

“Why,” exclaimed the girl, “with that vocabulary you could travel all over my country.”

“Mamma, please, change my name.”

“But why must I do that?”

“Because Daddy says he is going to spank me as sure as my name is Bobby.”