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Anyway no expectations of mine came to the reality. Most of the times I just wished either were dead or had escaped there where I could have been truly happy and my mum wouldn’t have got all these torment moments of life with only short interludes of happiness, she didn’t deserve it. But what could a ten year old child do? When she herself desired to be protected, contriving the impossible ways out in her head and trying to imagine that one day a person would come and save her from the hardiness of life. That was how I started to develop a habit of seeing the only solution in other people, it was how my attachment to other human beings began to form.

If we dig deep down, my exigency of other people being around me was unbearable. I always wanted to have a special male friend who in the moments of difficulty would have come and listened to me, comforted me and tell the words and would like to hear or just hug me and all the pain would have subsided, all the fears would have gone. I was particularly interested in a male friend as I didn’t have one, well, one time I had one but I happened not to notice him, typical of me. Plus, being a girl I guess I wanted to feel a kind of protection which only a male could give. Only at the age of 22 years I comprehended that I didn’t actually need that special friend, but we will return to that later.

I had two classmates who were incredibly thick as thieves; I hit it off with them as well. However I never shared my story of alcoholic abuse at the family to somebody. It was stifling my breath, constricting my throat and strangling out the ability of speaking to anyone about that matter, as I clearly understood how judgmental people were, what they were going to think about me and stuff, I would be riddled and ashamed. So, I just hung out with the guys enjoying their company and loving the feeling of happiness I got each time I turned out to be with them.

One day it was so cold that your face could easily cover with chilblains and even in the warmest boots you could perceive the torture of frosts that it was quite a task to throw your feet into those boots as in the street your feet went numb and toes became swelled and raw. The school was cancelled that day because of those frosts but grabbing all my courage and the willingness of not getting bored I went to one of this boy’s house. I lived 4 kilometers from him, so I had to overcome a passage through the woods, as usually I had to surmount in order to come to school but that time I didn’t even notice the distance. This boy was fond of cooking, so you would always find any kind of treats at his kitchen. His name was Marcus, by the way. To my surprise when I finally reached my destination the other boy – Ben was also there, and the fun got started.

“Hello Michaela!”, they said.

“Hello guys, how is it going?”,was my response.

“Pretty good, we are brewing tea. Would you like some?”, Marcus asked.

“Sure and those cookies as well.”, I never hesitated to ask food.

But before drinking tea, Marcus offered us to eat mash potatoes that he had cooked before our arrival, and they were particularly delicious, I didn’t know how a 12 year old could be such a talented cooker. I couldn’t recollect what we were conversing about while we were eating, but one fragment I remembered precisely.

“You know what, yesterday my neighbors were singing karaoke, so the whole evening I was listening to a song about felt boots.”, I said.

“About felt boooots, ahahhahahahaha.” Ben couldn’t help laughing. “Felt boots, no way.” His tea started to come out through his nose as he wasn’t able to control his laughing fit. He was even constricted to put off his brackets. That time if you had brackets you were automatically considered to be uncool, but I found a beauty in them and wished for ones but the Mother Nature gifted me with a good teeth shape. I don’t know why but this meaningless conversation fixed in my mind so tight that I am still allured by it.

“I will show you my secret den” said Marcus, and we followed him to his room.

“This is it, basically, you removed the bottom of the sofa and lean it a bit to the wall, so that you have the space to get in there, here I tell all my secrets and preserve the important information but you are the first who I shared it with as you are my friends.” he continued.

“Wow, that’s cool.” Ben and I gasped as we were climbing there.

Later, the drunken tea reminded of itself, so I needed to use a secret chamber, obviously boys prevented me to use it properly by saying childish comments so I ended up finishing the process at my home.

After this encounter, I had to pack my bags and got to a sanatorium to cure some of my chronic diseases but before I went, Marcus‘d given me a valentine’s card beforehand as I was to spend this holiday there. However, the hebdomadal interest of my condition evoked Ben, he wrote me continuously even though it was not that cheap at that time as the mobile phones had only started to spread among youngsters but he did it anyway. I was blind enough to evaluate it because I was charmed by another guy at the sanatorium who didn’t give me even a hint that he might like me. As it happens in life we like someone who doesn’t like us, and somebody who likes us, we don’t like. Eventually, Ben started to despise me and our relationship was of two guys who liked sarcasm and that was how it ended when we finished school.

As for Marcus, he entered a military establishment after the 8th form, changed beyond recognition and we terminated any possible interaction between us. Despite this I am still of good views on both of the guys, it doesn’t matter what was between us they are the people who brought the happiness into my life at some point even if I happened not to notice it from time to time. I respect everyone who entered into my life and left his footprints.

Chapter 2

Next lesson was on Thursday, I hadn’t thought much about these guys in the previous days. However, one of them added me on the Facebook, the other didn’t, so all the necessary information I needed to transmit them I did by the means of this very boy. I started contemplating why the other boy hadn’t added me but then I came to conclusion that he was that arrogant dandy type who had a constricted circle of friends.

I had some doubts on the count that he didn’t like me as a teacher or a person but even if it was true, who the fuck cared for it, nobody. They were potential young men who I saw the great material to work with. I knew that if they kept doing and not giving up in the process, they would go far. So, I started to pay even more attention towards them. I was channeled myself into the struggle to reach the best possible outcome of it. I guessed they felt it and were enjoying the process. Out of blue, one day I saw a friend request and thinking what a twat could have sent it to me to my surprise I found out it was him, the autumn boy. Later I attested my perception about that he was an autumn boy indeed as he was born in November as I was, coincidence? Was it? More I looked at him I saw how the hardships of winter time melted under the cold breeze of gloomy weather in the late fall. You could say that I am talking nonsense as winter comes after the autumn but not in the reverse order, but it was my outlook and I never come to ubiquitous conformities. The frost of winter had ceased in his eyes and the winds of lightning nights with showers were boiling there with the calmness and steady adjustment. Any pain you might feel went immediately when you just felt his presence around, all the hurt subsided under the gentle breathings of his voice timbre, the soul winds of uncertainty ameliorated. The blood in your veins pulsed with frenzy cutting air of freezing mornings. He roused turbid and torrent feeling inside your skin which summoned a bunch of goose bumps as though you were walking in evening along the turbulent seaside in a stormy weather.

Anyway, when I saw his icon on my screen I sensed the whirl of various emotions. First it was “What do you want from me? Why have you done it?” then it streamed into the beck of malicious joy like “If you combine wine and dinner the new word is winner”. The sensation inside me was the same, but then it melted away as I submerged myself in the daily routine of my doom.

I actually loved my job, teaching languages and being an interpreter was something I could have never imagined in the wildest dreams. As being a little girl I wanted to be a dentist because I hated them so was willing to do their job in order to make people feel pain for the sufferings I had been experiencing. Don’t judge me, I was 4 and I am a Scorpio so was particularly selfish in the childhood. Then I wanted to be a surgeon when I was knocked down by a car, so that I could help people in difficult situations, so, see? I was not that bad. And as any girl in this world (well, the majority of girls) I would like to be an actress or a singer especially when my uncle before he died had told my mum that I had a talent to be a singer. He was a musician so he had all credentials to be believed. He was right indeed as I even attended a musical school where I was also said to have a great voice but under some circumstance I had to quit the idea of being a singer. The mission of devastation was fulfilled at that time, I had an accident after which I had difficulties with my voice pitching. It was concussion with nerves hurtled inside my head. Basically there was a hole inside it as I fell over an enormous stone, blood covered very subtle particle of the ground and my body. I was soaking like mad creek in the early spring, streaming down the hills. I was unable to feel my face it was just numb. I had two more years to live in that way, then after the numbness started to subside. The virulence of the situation was high but I put myself together and continued to live that life and enjoying the happy moments. Getting back to the main subject I dreamt to be anything but not what I was doing then, I had graduated even with a degree not even close to my current occupation.