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All above –mentioned words have to do with compulsive eating patterns, when you eat off limits and then start feeling and thinking in this way. While you are eating you literally turn off all your senses, you are in the kingdom of food consumption, you do not think what you eat, how it will reflect on your health and how disgusting you will be feeling after that. Only what matters is to stuff into yourself more and more edible things. And then, you are in the state when you barely can sit because you have gobbled so much stuff into yourself, you start regretting and it is the most painful thing. Moreover, you are afraid to share the problem with someone, you think people are going to judge you, to discuss you, to gossip on you, to mock at you for your weakness, but binge eating is not a weakness, it is a disease which is comparable with drug addiction. Drug addicts use prohibited substances in order to relax from fatigue, forget about problems and just to feel themselves in the state of total peacefulness giving no care to the outside world. Binge eating is another sort of addiction, you eat mostly for the same reasons but the effect of food comfort longs for minutes, when you are full and barely can move you start to hate everything around you including yourself, suicidal inclinations take place, self-flagellation goes between reasonable control (self-hurting, usage of laxatives, vomiting, excessive exercising sessions).

You eat while nobody is watching you because you are too scared and ashamed to be seen by someone, how you pile up yourself with food. You always have switches in your mood, you think about suicide as the best solution to your problems. You hope for tomorrow and this tomorrow never comes. You are prisoned in your own mind. Darkness’s embodied you. There is no way to see the light. You might ask why it is happening, why you people with disorders can’t live as everybody does and just take things for granted. The reason is that we can’t, yes, we want to be happy, we want to enjoy every moment of life and smile to passers-by spreading positive vibes but we are cursed. Family problems, troubles with friends, dramatic relationships, other kinds of problems all at once influence too hard on us. We are reacting with speed power to every single thing in this world, too sensitive, too weak creatures. People wonder why after treatment we do not trust people instantly and start to be susceptive, because hole of desperation, long loneliness and misappreciation by others is not easy to cure.

I had been suffering from binge eating for four years so far, even though I had made so much for its prevention, but I still had attacks in the moments of emptiness of emotions or when I saw people putting off their masks and showing who they really were, I knew that I had to collect my faculties and put up with this world but sometimes I was so fragile that I just wanted a hug and get a little bit of time with someone like just staring at the ceiling and lying in silence or staring at the window hand in hand, I didn’t ask for much. However, life is not that simple. My first binge urges started when my friend said to me that I was a blond silly girl who was always whining and since when we only had known about each other that we existed in the same universe, it was hard for me because I cared too much about him, every single day I tried to support him in his difficulties but I got nothing in return when I needed help and such stories happened 3 times in a row but with other people, I wanted to die so hard, you give yourself away, striving to do your best for people you love and they just used you. It had a great impact on me.

A sunny girl turned into a fading ray, which couldn’t rise with every sunrise, I had some days when I was about to rise but I instantly sank down again. Life was strangled out from me. I wished I had never been born, I envied to people who died, I wished to change my life on death with those people. I was not going to lie but I cut my hands in order to feel better in that way some pain went away as I thought. I took antidepressants which made my condition even worse, they just gave me the feeling of indifference and more conviction of my uselessness on this planet. Step by step, I gained a lot of weight, earned low self-esteem, stopped going out somewhere with friends and cut off all social engagement with people. I longed to return to my previous life but I couldn’t. Food became my friend and the worst enemy at the same time.

I know, I didn’t mention all the feelings and problems which go along with binge eating and any eating disorder but only the basic concept, just give a brief appraisal to this disease. The most important thing is here that people have to think twice before judging a person’s appearance, how fat he or she is, or how skinny, most of the times people have no clue what have to undergo those people every day, how they survive, how they are dead to the world, because they see no light at the end of tunnel. I know, how it is seductive to gossip about someone’s look, but you have no idea how hard you can hurt that person especially if he is in that eating disorder condition. Stop for a minute and put yourselves into his shoes and maybe you will stop to judge that person and keep in mind that nobody is insured from getting into that condition, I had never thought I could be in the category of people with eating disorders and here I was…

Why am I talking about it? Because at that period of time I had massive problems with it. I just got used to eating like a horse it was my normal way of being. Realizing that I was unable to get what I wanted, miserable existence and no work prospects erking up to my condition even more. Besides I had no desire to heal. 4 fucking years of being fucked up, all kinds of drastic diets, pills, quick remedies, going around a dead end circle, when nothing worked. I was exhausted to nuts. I didn’t want to be cured, all I wanted to be exposed to the voidness and sink in it as a wrecked ship. And of course having crush on Haim I was realizing that I would never have a boy like this and that he was nice to me only because of his upbringing. A translucent boy with refined taste would date a girl from a sophisticated book, as I imagined her she would be pale with deep-expressed cheek and clavicle bones. She would wear long blond hair and had half a smile of an angel with complexity of her glance. She would be as a morning coffee, the first thing you wish to see after the awakening, smelling so appealingly causing to be wanted to pour down in her or a book which can’t be put down as it has grabbed you to pieces. And here was me: clumsy, boyish girl who lost her looks and figure with a quirky sense of style and views on life. The girl who gave up as a bad job on herself. Every day I wake up with determination to change, with a plan to follow to get back my perfect looks, to start from the blank and every day I failed. That personal clash was obscuring and still I didn’t lose hope on myself, I believe I would be healed at some point of my life span. It had already started as consciously I understood my problem, I had the will for things to be changed and that was already something. However, before I started to talk about how I believed that I could be rehabilitated yet another time. I had one more story to share with you as it was one of a paramount importance for me once. One more story how I was dependent on having someone special in my life.

Chapter 5

“That’s going to be the difference this year” she wrote down in her diary. This year she was ready for a real change in her life. Taken up an English course she figured out what she had to handle with – new people, the pressure of society and stuff like that.

Don’t be confused with this beginning my dear reader, it was written some years ago when I was another person with less contamination in my mind. This chapter will be written in a different way.

On the day when the course started she was over-excited, scared and nervous, being a very shy type, she was afraid of not being accepted by people. However everyone was so friendly and wonderful. She finally started to feel the life, after all bullying stuff that she had at the technical school. However her serenity didn’t long much. After a week of classes 2 new arrivals came. Two girls. They were like sisters, the thing was not in their appearance, no, they looked absolutely different, but it seemed their thoughts were shared for both as one could easily finished the sentence of another, had much in common and shared stuff which understood only they. They seemed to be eccentric to Michaela and non-understandable. She wished they had never come in to her life either in the English group, but she had nothing to do with it.

The reason of this hatred to the girls was deeply in her, her phobia not being accepted, not being understood by the new acquaintances, the fear that they could regard her as a strange girl. The next reason was that she didn’t understand them in some ways of their behaviour, considering them like wicked and devilish. Moreover she always reckoned they detested her too, because of her behave, her love to cartoons even her clothes. Even so it was just her paranoia which dominated her reasonable views.

Anyway she never showed any sign of abomination to them or sorts of that, she collaborated with them in a friendly way, what’s more she even enjoyed to have a word with them because they had something in common.

“Hey, how are you?” asked Capitolina.

“Hi, good, but all this IT lessons screwing me up.” The only words which Michaela managed to get out when Capitolina interrupted her daily state of being out of real world.

“Yeah, I have got the same problem, all these database, figures, pascal stuff, innervating.”

“Yeah, how I do understand you it is unbearable, I’ve got a complete fit with them.”

They kept interrupting each other with delighted faces, it didn’t matter for them that the rest of class had no clue what they were talking about, who knew, how long their conversation would have been but it was interrupted when the lesson started.

Even having such chats, Michaela stood in her position. “That’s bizarre”was her thought, “they are so kind to me, even praise me sometimes, but I’m sure they do such a thing only in order to show some respect and don’t seem to be churlish or whatever. Actually I like Marisa, she is different, when she is without Capitolina, I think it’s her influence has spoiled Marisa, but on the other hand Capitolina seems to be very cognitive, polite and less crazy than Marisa, I don’t know. However I don’t like Capitolina, anyway, first reason is because she loathes me and stuff which I do, then she didn’t accepted my friendship on Facebook, although I offered her 2 times, there are 100% that she hates me, maybe I don’t match her circle of society, actually I don’t care, but I don’t want her to be in our group either.”

Michaela always observed the way Capitolina was worn, the way she ate, drank, the hairstyle she had. The reason of doing it was the question “Why does she hate me?”

“She wears clothes as she would come out from home without a care in the world what she was wearing I don’t understand. She is rich, beautiful, polite and clever, but all these ponytails and buggy loosy apparels as though she was homeless. She must show off, be like a princess and mock me off. However she is always polite with people, even with me. I can’t get it why then she hates me, what am I doing wrong?” Michaela drummed her head with this stuff.