ЖАНРЫ

Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

Миловидов Виктор Александрович

Шрифт:

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знаете правила использования этих слов и словосочетаний. При необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием (раздел 26).

6. Fill in the blanks with a word from the list:

few a few

little a little

Follow the directions given in brackets:

1. They spent very (мало) _______ days without heated arguments.

2. They had (мало) _______ hope to save their marriage.

3. The counselor was (немного) _______ surprised when he heard the couple's story.

4. He thought there was (мало) _______ hope left, but still he agreed to help.

5. After (немного) _______ visits to the counselor's office they felt better.

6. When she began to speak, he understood very (мало) _______ , so fast she spoke.

7. And only (немного) _______ words were intelligible.

8. She sat silently (немного) _______ minutes, and then they left.

7. Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. If we (not to try) _______ counseling, our marriage will end up in a divorce.

2. If you (to argue) _______ with me any more, I will leave you forever.

3. As soon as you (to understand) _______ that it's our last straw, things will turn for the better.

4. You've got to tell me, when you (to go) _______ to visit the counselor tomorrow.

5. When you (to arrive) _______ at the counselor's office, the counselor will jump right in and open the floor for discussion.

6. If she (not to stop) _______ talking 90 miles an hour, I will have to stop her by a kiss.

7. She will continue talking her head off until you (to kiss) _______ her.

8. I will bring her here every Tuesday if she (to agree) _______.

8. Render the joke.

Section 24

Cat food

One woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. «Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.» And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

«Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!» She was very pleased at being praised, and that night they had sex for the first time in months, and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

«You're going to kill him,» they said, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner.

Two months later, her husband died, and after the funeral all the Thursday bridge women attacked our new widow for being so callous.

«You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?»

The wife stoically replied, «Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

bridge карт. бридж

club клуб

peaceful мирный

to fix делать, устраивать, готовить

incredible невероятный

to dash броситься

wilted увядший / вялый

lettuce салат

to stir in размешивать (с чем-л.)

egg яйцо

to garnish украшать гарниром

to pull up подъезжать

horror ужас

to please доставлять удовольствие

to praise хвалить

crony приятельница, приятель

to horrify ужасать

funeral похороны

widow вдова

callous бессердечный

feeding кормление

to murder убить

stoically стоически

mantel камин

to lick лизать

ass груб. задница

incredible hand карт. невероятно легкая рука у игрока (невероятное везение)

Needless to say Нет нужды говорить

to do sb in сленг убить кого-л.

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How often did the lady have her bridge game in the club?

2. Where did she have to hurry after the game?

3. What did she have in the cupboard when she returned home one Thursday after she had had an incredible hand?

4. Why did she watch her husband in horror when he was sitting to dinner?

5. What was the side-effect of the cat food?

6. What did the bridge women attack the lady for?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. She goes home _______ her husband dinner when he gets home from work.

2. Well, one Thursday, she has an _______ hand.

3. And she _______ out of her friend's house.

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