Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы
Шрифт:
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
«For the last 7 months,» the wife replies, «every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, „So are you going to pay today or what?“ I always give him an „or what“. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, „So are we going to dock your salary, or what?“ That's another „or what“. On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, „So are you going to pay this time or what?“ And, again, I do an „or what“. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more.»
The doctor thinks for a second. «So,» he says, «are we going to tell your husband or what?»
Words and Expressions:
past последний, прошедший
physician врач cabтакси
fare плата за проезд
driver водитель
…or what? …или как?
dock урезывать, обрезать (зарплату)
salary зарплата
to be tired out быть усталым, вымотанным
Section 33
I'm getting a divorce
Andy walked into the neighborhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife. The bartender asked why.
«Well,» Andy said, «yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town.» «So?» the bartender replies.
"So I ordered a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast 'To the best woman a man could have.' "
«What's wrong with that?»
«Four waiters joined in…»
Words and Expressions:
to walk идти, передвигаться пешком
neighborhood соседство; соседний
to announce объявлять
bartender бармен
fancy зд. модный
restaurant ресторан
to order заказывать c
hampagne шампанское
toast тост
wrong неправильный, плохой; неправильно, плохо
waiter официант
to join in присоединяться
Section 34
Loyal wife
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, «You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!»
Words and Expressions:
loyal зд. верный
to slip скользить, выскальзывать
coma мед. кома
bedside место у кровати
to come to приходить в себя
to motion знаком подзывать
to support поддерживать
to fail ослабевать, сдавать
luck успех, везение
every single day каждый божий день
to get fired быть уволенным
to get shot быть раненым или убитым из огнестрельного оружия
bad luck невезение
Section 35
What to do when your wife Goes overboard
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: «Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise.»
The old man faxed back: «Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.»
Words and Expressions:
stormy штормовой
wave волна
to search искать
shore берег
promise обещание
to notify известить
fax факс
to haul вытаскивать сетью
deck палуба
to attach прицеплять, присоединять
butt ягодицы
oyster устрица
pearl жемчужина
to advise зд. извещать, предписывать
to re-bait (от bait наживлять, заряжать насадкой) перезаряжать, наживлять заново
trap ловушка
to wash overboard смывать за борт
It read в ней говорилось
worth $50,000 стоимостью в 50 тысяч долларов
to fax back ответить по факсу
Section 36
A widow
A woman was leaving a cafe after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, «I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?»
The woman replied, «Well, that first hearse is for my husband.»
«What happened to him?»
The woman replied, «My dog attacked and killed him.»
She inquired further, «Well, who is in the second hearse?»
The woman answered, «My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.»