Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы
Шрифт:
The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.
All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa – filled with rage – threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, «Hi, Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?»
Words and Expressions:
top макушка
annual ежегодный
trip поездка, путешествие
pants штаны
to rip разрывать(ся)
tight тесный
to check проверять
preparations приготовления
elf эльф
strike забастовка
reindeer северный олень
shin-splints перелом голени
bummed сленг расстроен, удручен, выведен из себя
to calm успокаивать
to knock стучать (в дверь)
angry сердитый, злой
state состояние
to ignore не обращать внимания
rage ярость angelангел
Christmas Eve канун Рождества
Santa Claus Санта Клаус
on strike бастовать
all of sudden разг. all of a sudden неожиданно
to be in no mood for sth разг. быть не в настроении для чего-л.
Section 51
I don't want to go
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, «The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.»
«Oh yeah?» her young grandson replied. «So why is their dad carrying that rifle?»
Words and Expressions:
pilgrim паломник, пилигрим; зд. первые переселенцы в Америку
to observe замечать, отмечать
rifle ружье
Thanksgiving Day День Благодарения
Section 52
On thanksgivingday
Words and Expressions:
bare голый
bead капля (пота)
sweat пот
neck шея
breast грудь
to drool сленг испытывать сильнейшее желание
thigh бедро
slit щель
hole отверстие
inside внутрь; внутри
murky сумрачный, сумеречный
to stretch протягивать, вытягивать
to stuff набивать; зд. фаршировать
turkey индейка
Section 53
One thanksgiving morning
There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts.
He told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to «fart his guts out.»
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about «farting his guts out» until one Thanksgiving morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.