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«That's a lovely name, dear,» he said. «The first girl I ever went out with was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.»

«I think we'll call her Mary, after my mother,» said the wife.

Words and Expressions:

subtle мягкий, вкрадчивый

lovely милый

pleasant приятный

memories воспоминания

to make up one's mind решать

to be subtle about sth не высказываться резко о чем-л.

to go out with ходить на свидание с (кем-л.)

to call sb after sb называть кого-л. в чью-л. честь

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers' attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. For the possitive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, «It's too cold out to ride a bike, I don't even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!»

Just then the possitive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, "There's gotta be a horse around Here somewhere!!!"

Words and Expressions:

once однажды

twins близнецы

completely полностью

opposite противоположный

attitude отношение (к жизни), взгляд (на жизнь)

positive позитивный, оптимистичный

outlook мировоззрение

negative негативный, пессимистичный

to whine скулить, хныкать

around the corner за углом, на подходе

a brand new bike новехонький, с иголочки велосипед

horse crap лошадиный навоз

gift подарок

to complain жаловаться

to hate ненавидеть

flaps (у коробки) створки крышки

to peer заглядывать

contents содержимое, содержание

excited возбужденный

there's gotta be a horse around разг.there has got to be a horse

around здесь поблизости где-то должна быть лошадь

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad… " «What?»

«I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?» «No. You had your chance. Lights out!» Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad… " «WHAT?»

«I'm THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?»

«I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!»

Five minutes later…

«WHAT?!»

«When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?»

Words and Expressions:

thirsty испытывающий жажду

a drink of water немного воды

to have one's chance иметь шанс

Lights out! Свет гаси!

A man wanted to buy a new pet for a Christmas present, so he went to the pet shop and asked the shop clerk what he would recommend. «Well,» the clerk said, pointing out a large bird, «we have this parrot here, and he not only talks, he sings. I'll show you.» The clerk then lit a match and held it under the parrot's right foot. Immediately, the bird began singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way… "

«That's amazing,» the customer said. «What does he sing when you hold a match under his left foot?»

The clerk immediately lit a match and held it under the bird's left foot. The bird quickly started singing, "I'll have a blue, blue Christmas, without you… "

The customer couldn't believe what he heard. Finally he asked, «What does he do when you hold the match between his feet?»

The clerk lit a match and held it there. The bird hesitated a moment, then began singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… "

Words and Expressions:

pet питомец, домашнее животное или птица

to light зажигать 

match спичка

customer посетитель, покупатель

blue зд. грустный, печальный

chestnut каштан

to roast жарить

for a present в качестве подарка

«Jingle Bells…» рождественская песня

«I'll have a blue Christmas without you…» грустная рождественская песня

open fire открытый огонь

«Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…» старинная застольная песня

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.