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He said, «Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.»

«What do you mean?» asked his wife.

«Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,… I think I got'em all back in!!!»

Words and Expressions:

friction трение, трения

to fart груб. испускать ветры

nearly почти

to awake просыпаться

smell запах

to water зд. слезиться

to choke задыхаться

to plead умолять

nasty ужасный, скверный, гадкий

to beg просить, умолять

natural естественный

bodily телесный

fumes запахи, испарения

guts кишки

to suffer страдать

warning предупреждение

dawn рассвет

feast пир, праздничное пиршество

pumpkin pie тыквенный пирог

mashed potatoes картофельное пюре

gravy грейви, подливка

innards внутренности

to occur приходить в голову, случаться

to solve решать (проблему, задачу)

devilish дьявольский

grin усмешка, гримаса

bowl миска

flatulent мед. страдающий от газов

soundly asleep крепко спящий

gently мягко, нежно

shorts трусы, шорты

underwear нижнее белье

to replace перекладывать

trumpet муз. труба, горн

trumpeting трубящий

to curdle сворачиваться (о крови)

scream вопль

frantic яростный

footsteps шаги

to roll кататься

to stain покрывать пятнами

horror ужас

lip губа

grace грация; зд. милость

to break wind испускать ветры

I can't help it Я ничего не могу с этим поделать

to wave sth away отмахиваться от чего-л., отгонять что-л.

bloodcurdling scream вопль, от которого стынет кровь

to tear up (о глазах) наливаться слезами

she had finally gotten even от get even свести счеты

to keep from sth удерживаться от чего-л.

by the grace of God and these two fingers… по милости Божьей и благодаря этим двум пальцам…

I got'em back in = I got them… я засунул их назад

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.

She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new «action».

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, «Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.»

Then she asked, «Did you dance much?»

He replied, «I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you … the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!»

Words and Expressions:

costume костюм; костюмированный (о вечеринке, бале)

party вечеринка

swanky сленг элегантный, шикарный

to mask надевать маску

Halloween Хэллоуин

devoted преданный (о мужьях и женах)

to protest протестовать

to argue спорить

aspirin аспирин

to miss пропускать, лишаться чего-л.

fun удовольствие, развлечение